Totally factual Amazon Bio

I’ve never bothered adding a biography to my Amazon author page because I’m a tedious nobody with the charisma of a fake cactus covered in custard, and the numerous Amazon author biographies I’ve read seem to already have that niche covered.

“But you need an engaging bio!” shriek the knowledgeable booktubers, “or you’ll never have a bestseller like us.”

With no other option available, I made up some tragically misleading bullshit and used it as a bio. To save you the chore of single-clicking your way to my Amazon author page, here it is:

Before failing as a writer, John won a phenomenal amount of money on the UK national lottery, flew first-class to Vegas, bet it all on red and lost. He misguidedly believed this reckless act would give him a spectacular ice-breaker anecdote with which to regale party guests, but nobody ever invites him to parties and he’s too antisocial to host his own.

John started reading as soon as he could read, which hardly puts him in an exclusive club. He started writing novels thirty-five years later, but didn’t write anything remotely entertaining for at least another ten. For John, ‘entertaining’ is the crucial word, whether he’s writing fiction, such as this biography, or non-fiction, such as his actual autobiography ‘Arcadelife – Life versus Video Games’.

John lives in a small room full of Stephen King’s old typewriters, surrounded by walls covered in hardcopy screen images taken from writing-tip videos on YouTube. He’d like you to read at least one sample of one of his books, but he knows your time is precious and there’s probably a new Jack Reacher coming out soon.

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