I’m here to help, seriously. While I’m excluded from the madden arthur gang (you all know I mean modern author, right?), I’m still more than happy to offer these exclusive tips for success and happiness. Hey ho, let’s start…
The colour of your protagonist’s eyes is of vital importance; be sure to mention it at least twice during their first scene.
Characters need to smirk frequently in order to gain your readers’ empathy.
Watching YouTube videos about writing will turn your lacklustre manuscript into an entertaining novel.
Avoid being genuinely honest with yourself about your writing, or you might have to go back and waste time rewriting entire sentences.
‘Character agency’ means telling the reader your protagonist is really upset and unsure about the ‘big problem’ they are going to have to overcome.
Build tension for at least a chapter before introducing a rich, attractive, but overtly arrogant character who offers a largely coincidental solution to your protagonist’s problem.
Rather than writing an exciting story, concentrate on the precise timing of the ‘inciting incident’.
Focus on convincing yourself that your debut novel is going to be awesome; this is significantly easier than writing a decent novel.
Build a friendly network with aspiring writers and YouTubers who will be happy to provide you with positive back-cover quotes for your lacklustre debut novel.
‘Write what you know’, including a diverse cast of characters from every race, religion, and sexual orientation.
Have your protagonist swear frequently, as this is the best way to show they are strong, independent, witty and dynamic.
Spending countless hours reading hundreds of books, across many genres, is a waste of your time. The same result can be achieved by watching YouTubers talking about the books they’ve read.
When posting frequently on social media about your writing progress, always use cool ‘madden arthur’ abbreviations such as MC for Main Character and MC for Manuscript.
As soon as possible, start referring to your book title by its initial letters. This will create the impression that you are not just another clueless muppet with a keyboard, churning out sentences like ‘Suddenly she felt a tsunami of terror flooding through her veins’.
As soon as you’ve written a few thousand words, or given your MC a cool name and the unique character trait of saying ‘fuck’ all the time, go onto Teespring and create a whole bunch of that sweet merch.
Always include trigger warnings for your book. You don’t want someone to buy it, read it, and have an emotional reaction to it.
Instead of doing a time-consuming search-and-replace for filler words such as ‘just’, ‘that was’, and ‘literally’, simply delete your whole manuscript.